Super Bowl: Lesson in Hilarity

This Sunday, America will gather for the yearly tradition that is Super Sunday. What started as a few friends getting together to watch the best football teams battle for the title has changed dramatically over the past couple of decades. Due to the incredibly high viewership, commercial time has become a hot commodity for businesses and advertising companies worldwide. And because most Americans are hungry for laughter, many of these companies decided to use their money and ad time to become amateur comedians. And we fell for it. Well, not me. I have NEVER actually laughed at ANY commercial in my entire life. Why? Because they aren't funny. The jokes are stale, and we have seen every situation over and over again.

Yet, every Super Bowl party or gathering I attend is a romp through Laughsville, USA:

"Hey, look-it's a baby!! He can talk!!! And he's buying stock!! Ha, ha, ha. That's hilarious"!

"P Diddy just tipped his sunglasses down from his eyes-that means he's confused. I can't stop laughing"!

"Willie Nelson and Busta Rhymes having a Coke together?? Hee, hee. They are so different from each other-this situation is both abnormal and outrageous"!

"That guy must really be a witch doctor-that guy's head is hilariously small!! He means business. Ha"!

Not a commercial passes without several people laughing as loud as can be. Why? No one knows for sure, but even worse than this is guy-who-laughs-at-Super-Bowl-commercials-they-already-saw-months-later-at-a-sports-bar. This guy is everywhere. Laughing and laughing and laughing at the exact same unfunny commercial they've seen dozens of times before. This guy needs to die. Right now.

In order for America to climb out of this recession, we need to get back to the basics. Super Bowl Sunday needs to be about football. A celebration of the wonderful season that was. And a sending-off of sorts, as football fades away for 6 long months. And most importantly, America needs to imprison the guys I described above. Get them off the streets where their incessant and unnecessary laughter poisons all within earshot. We need our football back. We need our quiet back. We need our country back.

That's Enough, Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps is an American icon. The winner of 14 gold medals over two Olympic games won many hearts and fans in Beijing with his dazzling swimming display. He deserves every accolade thrown his way for his hard work, dedication to his sport, and perseverance. I deserve for him to go away.

Since Beijing, Phelps has been everywhere. Commercials, talk shows, and worst of all, Saturday Night Live. His stiff performance as host on SNL garnered poor reviews, yet many forgave him, because after all, he is a swimmer, not an actor. Fair enough. Unfortunatelty, Phelps didn't take a hint, and continued his nationwide appearance frenzy. Wall Street, sports talk radio, Good Morning America-Phelps Mania was not slowing down, even 6 months after he took China by storm. Most upsetting to me, however, has been his desire to attend every single primetime football game of the season. "Hey, look at you hanging out in the owner's box! Wow-it's Michael Phelps, again. He's the swimming guy who saved America. I'm so happy to see him at this Bears-Saints game". Now, I can sort of forgive him for being at every Ravens game, since he is from Baltimore and all, but does he need to be at every nationally televised Browns game? No.

And last night, he attended the Celtics-Jazz game. Why? And why does ESPN feel the need to tell us this? Why interview him? What's left for him to say-"hey-I'll be at next weekend's Islanders-Red Wings game. You can shower me with more attention there".

Stop it. That's enough. We get it-you are a world famous athlete. Please stop drawing attention to yourself by attending every highly visible event across America. I don't want to see you anymore. Don't make me root against you at the London games in 2012. America needs a Phelps breather. Let us breathe, Michael. I need some air.

Recycled Garbage

It has become a regular occurrence in professional sports-the recycled coach. The Carolina Hurricanes took it up a notch recently when they fired Peter Laviolette to re-hire Paul Maurice.

I have never been more stunned in my life. It's not as if the Hurricanes hired Scotty Bowman, or another well regarded Stanley Cup-winning coach, they hired Paul Maurice. A total bore and a failure. After getting run out of Raleigh in 2003, he shockingly got another job as the head coach in Toronto and again failed. Not only does he have a proven track record of ineptitude, his style bores the fans to tears, so it's not as if an exciting fast-paced brand of hockey is going to arouse interest among casual fans. It arouses tears, frustration and sleep.

Why did the Hurricanes hire him, you ask? Because he is a good friend of the GM, Jim Rutherford. That's a cute story. Unfortunately, you have a business and franchise to run. This isn't your grandson's recreational soccer team. This is a professional franchise. I find this move wholly unforgivable. After digesting this move for over a week, the only reasonable conclusion I can draw is that the Hurricanes want to move. Attendance has been lagging due to the economy, and this move will guarantee even more people will stay home. The losing will continue, and the style of play has become more unwatchable. There is no reason to go to the RBC Center anymore to support a franchise who values a personal friendship between the owner and GM with a man who has tried and failed at coaching much more than it's relationships with the city and fans, and it's duty to put an honorable product on the ice.

Jim Rutherford has made many moves which have benefited the Hurricanes greatly over the years, but this weird move trumps them all. It's time for you to be fired, Jim, your friendship with Raleigh is over. Unfortunately, Jim's friendship with the owner, Peter Karmanos is just as strong, so this is not going to happen. Go ahead and move the Hurricanes to Winnipeg. The strong friendship bond between the owner-GM-coach has superseded common sense, and has survived the loss of millions of dollars over the years. Canadian winters are no match for that.

90210-Episode 10 Summary

Brothers in Arms

One good tactic of 90210 is that they seem to immediately pick up where they left off last week with no time elapsing. Unlike me, who took over 3 weeks to finish this summary. The mysterious lost son of Principal Dad is introduced after meeting Annie and Naomi last week. Dixon seems to be troubled by this.

Unfortunately for him, I don't care, so let's move on.

Congratulations, Naomi-I now love you more than Adrianna. You have Navid to thank for that.

Also, since when do high school guidance counselors feel like it's their job to intervene in normal friendships? I guess now, because Kelly Taylor seems to think her job entails forcing Annie and Naomi to be friends. Not likely.

Annie can now add stale jokes to her repertoire in addition to terrible acting. She spends her time putting down Naomi with awful jokes and uninteresting drama.

Principal Dad is obsessed with his new found son, and is ignoring Dixon. This spells trouble, as Dad somehow took every job the unlikeable Mr. Mathews had, and is now the lacrosse coach.

How does this happen?

Kelly Taylor attempts to rekindle her friendship with Brenda Walsh for some reason, which ends with an awesome rejection. She deserved that. Later, after being hospitalized, they reconcile. Kill me.

Back to the good stuff-Principal Dad, now the lacrosse coach, terribly, TERRIBLY, pumps up the team for the big SoCal Regional Final against Bel Air. The team is hyped and starts the "Beat Bel Air" chant. I hope they lose 18-0. The game begins, but Dixon seems off. He is instructed to hit Bel Air at "the top of the triangle", because their middies did stuff to them last time inside this shape or something. However, Dixon is preoccupied due to Principal Dad being head over heels in love with his new found son. Dixon ain't having that, and shows this by pouting and lack of effort. Well played. The game plays out with a hard-rockin' soundtrack, and with Dixon refusing to pass he ball. West Bev trails 6-4 when Principal Dad demands the team not panic. Good coaching. He takes Dixon out after another few minutes of lackluster effort, to which Dixon responds "screw you". How about screw you, Dixon? You are costing your team the chance to advance further in this vague state tournament. The game ends, with no winner declared, and Dad heads into the locker room to yell at Dixon. He acts like a baby, but when Dad apologizes for giving Real Son all the attention, they make up.

Oh, wait-the game isn't over. I guess that was halftime. A 45 minute long halftime, where no one was allowed in the locker room except the coach and his adopted son. The score is knotted at 12! Huge drama! 10 seconds left, and Ethan slowly does a 180 spin move and scores at the buzzer to win it. Good for them-on to the next round! Dixon and Real Son make up and make plans to hang out together. Awwww.

The family then invites Real Son to live with them for awhile, but he makes a private phone call, and it appears everything is not as it seems. Looks like we have a fraud on our hands.

How will this play out? We'll have to wait until January 6th when the series returns. Until then...

All Apologies

Dear Russell Wilson-

I sincerely apologize for my earlier blog about your lack of talent, and for all of my inner hatred that was directed towards you from September through October. I was wrong. You have blossomed into a great quarterback and a valiant leader. I believe I ranked you # 328 out of 330 FBS QB's back in September, but you have proven to be more like #24. But you're #1 in my heart. The entire football program is headed towards a very good place in the near future, and I will look forward to seeing you help lead them to that place. The pride I have in NC State football has rarely been stronger, and the light at the end of the tunnel looks bright. Congratulations on being named quarterback on the All-ACC 1st team, and please accept my humble apology.

Best of luck in the upcoming bowl game, 2009, and beyond.

Today's "Mayne" Complaint

"Mayne Street", starring Kenny Mayne debuts this week. Thankfully, I believe it is in the form of webisodes, so I will not accidently become exposed to it while flipping my TV to ESPN. For those of you unaware, Kenny Mayne is a sportscaster. A really, really unfunny one.

America thought this guy was hilarious during a series of commercials for ESPN a few years back, which ultimately led to this web series. America was wrong, but at least network executives could see right through this hack and not offer him a TV deal.

He also single-handedly ruined Sunday NFL Countdown with his awful, unfunny segments where he would clown around with NFL players. This was always followed by uproarious laughter from Chris Berman and the studio guys, making matters even worse.

My hatred of Kenny came to a head during this year's "Celebrity" softball game during MLB all-star week. I know what you're thinking, "hey Lob, why are you watching that horrible event"? If you remember, my hobby is making myself angry, and this game had it all- Billy Crystal, Whoopi Goldberg, Mike + Mike, and Kenny Mayne, among others. I could talk about how contrived and maddening this game was all day, but let's focus on Kenny. For starters, he was the manager of one of the teams, and walked around like he was Mr. Big Shot. Pardon me, Kenny-I'm not sure where your ego comes from, but you are not funny, no one thinks you're clever, and 80% of the people on your team have NO IDEA who you are. The fans in the stands did NOT come to see you, so take it down a notch.

He also refused to take himself out of the game. Everyone else only got to play an inning or two, but Mr. Mayne thought he was too important in this totally meaningless event to sit himself. Fans in the stadium only caught brief glimpses of actual stars like Chris Rock, so this clown could play the whole game. Also, he CONSTANTLY talked to his infielders while in the outfield. He screamed lame jokes towards Billy Crystal during play, because he was microphoned, and wanted to hear himself talk while pretending to be good friends with actual celebrities. The other players could not have cared less.

If you love America, Kenny, do us all a favor and go away. You are among the most annoying human beings on Earth. No one likes you. I wish being unappealing was a crime. You would spend the rest of your life behind bars and I could spend the rest of my life without you.

90210-Episode 9 Summary

Is That All You Got, Kansas?

Much like the state of Kansas itself, a particularly boring episode greets us this week. No booze, no drugs, nothing.

Adrianna continues her unforgivable romance with Navid, Naomi plots and executes a devious plan to out Ethan and Annie. And speaking of Annie, she again fails miserably at acting in a particularly bad scene. I am starting to warm up to Naomi. Maybe it wasn't such a stretch that the entire cast suddenly wanted to befriend her. I want to be her friend now, too. I especially appreciate her calling Annie "Kansas". Love it.

The one good thing from this episode is the apparent firing of Mr. Matthews. His suspension somehow turned permanent, and he's off to find himself. He should come to my house-I'll tell him who he is.

Yep, that's all I got this week, Kansas. If 90210 won't try, I won't, either.

Although next week brings the return of the once heavily-hyped lacrosse team. That should be a doozy.

Duke vs. NC State: Swapping Personalities

This Saturday, Duke and NC State will meet on the gridiron. Big deal, right? Well, due to the split of the ACC into divisions, and a scheduling quirk, these former rivals have not played football since 2003. Five long years have passed, and many things have changed. Let's take a trip back in time, shall we?

The world was a different place in 2003. Gulf War II began in March. Martha Stewart was sent to prison that June. And the largest hailstone ever recorded was found in Nebraska. America was both tense and whimsical at the same time.

Duke football was never worse entering the 2003 season. The previous 3 seasons brought records of 0-11, 0-11, and 2-10. Although improved in 2003, with a final record of 4-8, Duke was the laughingstock of college football.

NC State, however, had reached their pinnacle the prior season with an 11-3 record, including a victory over an albeit weak Notre Dame in the Gator Bowl. Chuck Amato strutted around as the King of Raleigh. Wolfpack Nation started to dream of BCS bowls. Winning ACC championships seemed mere footsteps away.

Liitle did they know when they met at Wallace Wade in late October 2003, that not only would they not meet again for 5 years, but their programs were about to switch identities. NC State walked away with a 7 point victory that day, but emerged as the new face of embarrassingly bad college football programs. After that game, State would go on to lose 2 of their last 4 games in 2003. And despite middling around the 7-5/6-6 mark for a couple of years, they hit rock-bottom with a 3-9 record in 2006.

So, they meet again tommorrow afternoon in Durham. Duke is having their best season in many, many years. NC State is horrendous. Duke is on the upswing. Once considered an automatic conference win for anyone who played them, Duke is now respectable. NC State fans complained up and down that it would be too long until they played again. In fact, there was talk of scheduling a "non-conference" game with Duke just to keep the rivalry going. Although truthfully, "rivalry" really meant "extra win". Times have certainly changed. Now NC State is America's laughingstock, and Duke is the up-and-coming stalwart. And no one would have predicted that in 2003.

90210-Episode 8 Summary

1 Shot of Happy, 2 Shots of Suck

Principal Dad gets us started this week by revealing to Annie and Dixon that he has another son via a long ago fling with Naomi's Mom.

Annie and Dixon seem stunned, and discuss the issue further in the West Beverly parking lot. They express their disappointment in their father's hypocrisy. He is a hypocrite, they determine, because while telling Annie and Dixon they could not have sex, Dad was doing that exact thing himself in high school. These idiots fail to mention that they have attempted to have sex several times, so they disregarded their father's advice anyway. Who's the hypocrite now, Annie?

Looks like Adrianna is out of rehab. Must be a great facility, as she spent 5 days there, including the time she left to attend the homecoming dance. She is totally clean. Unfortunately, Buzzkill Navid is on the scene. He gives her a bag of jellybeans. She expresses an intense love for the buttered popcorn ones, to which Buzzkill exclaims, "ewwww". Those are my favorite jellybeans, too, Adrianna. We should talk.

This is followed by the single worst attempt at acting in history. Annie has made plans to see Naomi's ex after school, but then Naomi approaches her to ask what she's doing. Instead of acting cool, she awfully stutters and stammers to avoid the question. You have to see this scene to believe it. It is that terrible. Naomi doesn't seem suspicious somehow, but any normal human with an IQ above 13 would immediately know something was up based on Annie's acting. Dear 90210 producers, please recast this role. Thank you.

Buzzkill Navid is back with another bag of jellybeans for Adrianna. He has sorted out the beans, giving Adrianna only the popcorn ones. What a loser. Don't fall into his trap. You are all I have on this show. He then stalks her by waiting for her at her meeting. He then claims that she "owes him", so she agrees to go with him to eat.

Silver is having a party with her new best friends, Annie and Naomi. She hated Naomi until last week, but now they are having shots together. These three continue to take shots, and quickly become drunk. Adrianna then appears, but since she is in recovery, can only drink water as they play "I Never". It is revealed during this game that Adrianna has never been in love. Awww.

Unfortunately, no one says "I've never been an awful actress". Annie would have died from alcohol poisoning. The party quickly becomes interesting, as it is crashed by the whole school.

Even Buzzkill Navid is in the house. He creepily emerges from upstairs, and basically demands that Adrianna have sex with him. Inexplicably, she agrees, and walks upstairs with him. Being sober has apparently destroyed her judgement.  While watching a documentary on the loggerhead turtle(???), they start to make out. Navid declines sex, however, as he feels used or something. That was a close call. Glad to know I can add "moron" to creep, buzzkill, and loser on his list of descriptors. 

Mr. Matthews shows up to give his narc girlfriend a ride home. He can't resist making out with her in the driveway, so long lost student/lacrosse player George catches them in the act. 

Principal Dad also arrives, opens the door, demands everyone leave the party, and they comply. I have to say, Beverly Hills gives their high school principal a lot of authority. He is allowed to dole out plea bargains, host illegal drug raids, and trespass to break up whatever party he wants. He has more power than the police chief and the FBI. Interesting to note.

While in detention, George begins to blackmail Mr. Matthews. He demands to be put back onto the lacrosse team, and wants an A in the class. After getting notified, Principal Dad then suspends Mr. Matthews. Finally. He has acted inappropriately dozens of times, and for once, he has to pay for it. This was the best news I've heard in several years. Thank you, Principal Dad. Thank you. Unfortunately, this is followed by the worst news I've heard in a decade-Adrianna has inexplicably fallen for Buzzkill. Not in a million years would this happen in real life, but anything goes here at West Beverly. Next week brings the return of Kelly Taylor with news that Dylan McKay's facial features have remained the same. Excellent news there.

Letters to the Editor

One of my favorite pastimes is making myself angry. I can accomplish this in many ways, but my rage-inducer of choice is reading letters to the editor. Morons across America take their time writing meaningless questions or sending their worthless opinions to newspapers and magazines. I am giving these people the benefit of the doubt in assuming they no longer actually physically send these letters through regular mail. If someone out there still does, WOW. You instantly move to the top of the "uneducated loners with lots of free time" pyramid. Congratulations, Walt Whitman. Now climb back onto your pony and leave us 21st century folk alone.

A typical letter to the sports page of the News and Observer here in Raleigh reads, "Dear editor, I am tired of your constant coverage of Wolfpack athletics. My team (ECU, Duke, UNC) played a great game over the weekend, yet you covered NC State's game on the front page. And they lost. Please stop your pro-State bias, and give the more worthy teams in the area more coverage", signed Edward McIdiot. Thanks for the letter, Mr. McIdiot. You do realize, however, that the News and Observer is a Raleigh newspaper, and NC State is in Raleigh, right? If you want to read about UNC, why not pick up the Chapel Hill News? There would be a catastrophic uprising if the Chapel Hill News actually covered State athletics, so why do you expect NC State's home city to ignore them to cover every school within a hundred miles? This type of letter drives me insane. Anyone who actually thinks Raleigh's paper should spend more time on Duke, Appy State, UNC, and ECU than on NC State should be imprisoned for life without parole. Each of these colleges is in a city with their own newspaper. READ THAT ONE, and leave me alone.

There was a recent letter which stated, "I have been a News and Observer subscriber for 35 years, and I have NEVER been more ashamed. The picture on the front of the sports page of Russell Wilson getting sacked, which led to his concussion, was low-brow. This is not an image I want my children to see, not to mention, the young QB himself. You should be embarrassed for publishing that, and I will now cancel my subscription". Great, sir-go ahead. I'm sure they really care about you. What was so offensive about that picture? You've watched football before, right? Would you have preferred a crisp action photo of you and your buddies playing shuffleboard at the nursing home?

The second type of letter to the editor which fills my rage meter can often be found in Parade magazine. Every week, Americans continue to astound me with their questions about washed up actors and actresses. "Dear Parade, my husband and I disagreed on what Sophia Lauren has been up to in the past 10 years. Please clear this up for us". Ummm, hey-have you heard of the internet? In the time it took you to write this letter, mail it, and have Parade publish it, you and your husband could have found your answer on wikipedia within seconds, then wrote and published a 600 page biography of Sophia Lauren. I hope you were still alive when Parade got around to publishing your answer. Every single one of the questions posed to Parade can be answered in 3 seconds via the internet, yet people still send these letters. Why?

90210-Episode 7 Summary

The Taming of the Shrew

After an inexplicable 3 weeks of reruns, we are back with a new episode.

We were left with the disturbing image of my love, Adrianna, on the floor after a drug overdose. Let's hope everything is OK...

The episode begins at yet another Wilson family breakfast. Annie is taking her driver's test, and Dixon is verbally testing her. These two have to be among the worst actors in the business. I do not believe for a millisecond that this is an actual family, and Annie in particular, is shocking in her ineptness.

The homecoming dance is this weekend, and although Dixon proclaims that he has yet to ask Silver, he immediately makes fun of Annie when she hasn't been asked. Why? You haven't asked your girlfriend, either. Annie and Ethan immediately make a weird pact at school-they will not go together, but will dance. All to protect Annie's newest best friend, Naomi. This also makes no sense, because Annie has known Ethan forever, and hated Naomi up until 4 minutes ago, so why do they care? I am boring myself. Let's move on.

Hi, Adrianna. How are you? Checking into rehab? Don't do it-it's dangerous in there, and you won't have access to your pills. A tame and sober you isn't what I wanted. If you care about me, you will walk away now. Nope, apparently she doesn't care, as she walks into the enormous and empty rehab mansion.

Navid then walks in to creep Adrianna out. Please go away. No one likes you. He is there to write a story for the paper, and thankfully, Adrianna isn't having it. She borrows his cell phone to make a call, then tells him to get lost. Nice.

Naomi continues to ignore her attempts to reconcile, which drives Adrianna deeper into despair.  Oh, look who's back-Navid. He brings her DVD's, lotion, and some other useless crap. She disregards the gifts, and begs him to bring Naomi. What's with everyone's sudden obsession with Naomi? Essentially ignored by everyone, including her own family, for the first 6 weeks, she is now #1 on everyone's best friend list. Plot line # 12 that makes no sense. Why am I watching this show again? 

Here's why-after Navid fails to bring Naomi to Adrianna, she breaks out of rehab, and shows up at the homecoming dance to beg for forgiveness. Naomi rejects her, which forces Adrianna to walk out to the parking lot, where she meets up with her source of drugs. I'm giddy with anticipation-just get in his SUV. He has what you need. The pills will forgive you, Adrianna. I won't judge you. Nooooo. Go away, Navid. Navid kills everyone's buzz by yanking Adrianna right out of the car. Thankfully, the dealer punches him in the face, but the damage is done. After boring her silly with stories from the past, she relents, and stays sober. Booooooo.

Everyone else in the cast makes out with someone, and the episode ends.

Adrianna, I love you, but unless you start using again, I'm afraid my relationship with you and with 90210 may come to an end. The taming of you must cease immediately. The other actors are terrible, 86% of the plot lines bore me to tears, and I'm 36 years old watching a show about high school. Something's got to give....

Midnight Madness

The University of North Carolina officially opens it's 2008-2009 college basketball season this Friday night with it's annual "Midnight Madness" event. This is the first legal day to hold a practice with coaches, and it's a jolly event for all. Lots of dunks, lots of laughs, and lots of smug fakeness from Coach Roy Williams. What was that? You vaguely recall Carolina practicing during exams in the spring?

That's correct. UNC held a full squad practice in front of the coaches last spring. This is TOTALLY against NCAA policy, and a blatant disregard for the rules. Coach Williams even admitted he "knew he wasn't supposed to be there". In fact, this game broke two rules. First, coaches are not allowed to watch pickup games or practices during the off season. Secondly, Division I basketball teams are also prohibited from athletically related off season activities through final exams. This practice game was held so that Barack Obama could play some ball with college kids in front of the national media. Good for him. Bad for us, because Carolina was not given any sanctions, or placed on probation.

Their reason- "this was a unique situation and not an NCAA issue". Uh, why? Please explain further. Great-they got to play with a presidential candidate. So what? Why was this not an issue? And why was this swept under the rug?

In 1973, it was a HUGE issue when new NC State basketball recruit David Thompson played in some pickup games with teammates before the start of the season. An assistant coach watched a couple of these, and the rest is history. Because of this and other minor "infractions", NC State was placed on a year's probation. Big deal, right? Well, NC State went 27-0 that season, and was prevented from playing in the NCAA tournament. They would go on to win the NCAA championship the following year, but the damage was done. A championship was lost.

North Carolina is an overwhelming favorite to win the NCAA Championship this season, and lucky for them, the NCAA decided to overlook their major violations. I am glad we have a system in place that rewards certain teams with free presidential practices, and severely punishes other teams for the same "crime". When Barack Obama takes office in January, and UNC cuts down the nets in April, their paths will meet again at the White House ceremony. A privilege NC State was denied back in 1973. Perhaps instead of having harmless practices with teammates, they should have invited Richard Nixon to join them. Because according to the NCAA, illegal practices with politicians are "not an issue".

The Ragedratic Equation

Florida State x ESPN + Chuck Amato - Atrocious QBs(3) = Evening of Rage

Last night's NC State-Florida State game was maddening enough, but with ESPN's need to constantly hype an upcoming game (did you know Texas was playing Mizzou this weekend?) and with the traitor Chuck Amato in the house, I was scrambling for my sanity.

Let me start, however, with NC State's QB depth chart. If you took the top 3 QB's from every FBS school in the country, and lined them up from best to worst, Russell Wilson would come in at # 397, Harrison Beck # 411, and Daniel Evans # 418. I actually read a game preview yesterday for last night's game that stated "Russell Wilson is a real weapon for the NC State offense, averaging 108 passing yards per game". Uh, that is ATROCIOUS. Who wrote that statement, a 4 year old Labrador Retriever? People will say, "hey, he really didn't have a bad game last night". For him, you are correct. But the unnecessary sack he took at the end may have cost them the game. He threw 1 decent pass all night. Not good enough. Unfortunately, NC State has to use him, because their backups could easily be replaced with scarecrows, and no one would know the difference. In fact, I am 80% certain Daniel Evans is a zombie, and 50% sure that Harrison Beck has warm banana pudding in his skull where a brain should be.

Despite this lack of talent, NC State played quite well. They had the lead early in the 4th quarter, and were down by only 6 with the ball when ESPN decided to totally ignore the game to have an interview with Mack Brown. As this conversation went on, State's critical drive was of secondary importance to ESPN, as they just HAD to ask Mack Brown important questions, such as "how are you preparing for Mizzou". Um, no one cares. Not to mention, these coaches will not give out any valid info, so what's the point? The announcers did not mention anything about what was going on down on the field during this generic conversation. Nothing. In fact, I thought they were just going to stop showing the game altogether so they could keep the Mizzou-Texas game graphics on the screen. This is totally unacceptable. The game was close, State's drive was critical, and it was late in the 4th quarter. Was there not a better time to have this interview? It was hard for me to hate Mack Brown more than I already did, but congratulations, ESPN, you made it happen! And while we're here, does ESPN have millions of dollars invested in Frank Caliendo's career? He was on Mike+Mike earlier in the week, while the co-hosts fake laughed throughout his whole routine, and then the following day, Mike Greeny talked about how great and funny Frank was on the show. What was once impossible has come true-I now hate Frank Caliendo more than Robin Williams. ESPN-where your fantasies of rage come true.

Chuck Amato-it was nice to see you. No it wasn't. Stop claiming you built everything at Carter-Finley. It was going to happen with or without you. Even if you had some pull in getting facilities built earlier than they normally would have, you also played a major role in tearing down the trust of fans. Thousands of young Wolfpack fans trusted you and your overblown dreams of glory. You left them empty and bitter. So congrats on your team's win last night Chuck, it was just like old times-you leave Carter-Finley with 56,000 crushed souls in your wake.

Halloween-Night of the Living Amateurs

Halloween used to be among my favorite holidays. Now it is my most hated. Why you ask? Because of what it has become- a fertile ground for America's least original and least funny to take their comedy stylings to the streets and bars across the land.

Originally a holiday marking the line between the living and the dead has dissolved into a festival of guys dressing like girls and hundreds of hilarious George W. Bush impersonators.

Hey, D*ck in the Box guy- did you actually think you would be the only person that thought of that? What went through your mind when you went to the bar and saw 23 other people dressed like you? Did you then realize how lame, unfunny, and unoriginal you were? I hope so.

Look at me-I'm a guy, but I'm dressed like a girl, because it's Halloween. Isn't that hilarious? No. No it isn't. You look ridiculous. I'm glad there is one day a year for you to fulfill your cross-dressing fantasy. Good for you.

While you are spending 3 hours getting ready to go out to the nightclub that is offering a $50 grand prize for "Best Costume", take a few minutes to look at yourself in the mirror. This is what you should be hearing: "don't. don't do it. It's not worth it. You will not be the only Sarah Palin there. There will be at least 47 Sarah Palins. Some will be accompanied by John McCains. In a hilarious twist, some will be with Barack Obamas. You are not original. You are not funny. You are human waste. Why don't you dress as that"?

I can't wait for the onslaught of political candidates, wall street businessmen dressed like homeless people, and Jim and Pams from The Office. I won't be able to stop laughing, because you people are too funny. What are you expecting? Someone to come up to you and say "great costume. Steve Irwin impaled by a stingray-very topical". Is that worth the humiliation of knowing you are being mocked by people like me? Nope. And best case scenario is this: you actually have a brain, and come up with a truly original costume. Great. Four people will come up to you and say "wow. How funny. Good for you". Was that worth the 4 hours of preparation and the 6 hours of sweating like a hog while walking around in it? Of course not.

Zombies, ghosts, and skeletons, I salute you. The undead will always be preferable to me than the unoriginal.

90210-Episode 6 Summary

Disregarding the Living, Disturbing the Dead

A new student arrives in Mr. Matthews' classroom. She immediately flirts with him, and we discover that Mr. Matthews enjoys tacos. So, in summary, Mr. Matthews enjoys being inappropriate and eats tacos. Super. I hope he also likes being imprisoned.

No, no, no, no, no, no. It looks like 90210 is employing the Saved By The Bell plot device to get couples together-the 'ole raise a fake baby with your fake spouse project. This project DOES NOT EXIST in real life, yet we see it time and time again on TV. Make it go away. And yes, the teacher pairs Annie and Ethan together. How cute.

Naomi attempts an impromptu intervention on Adrianna, which leads to a brief argument. They reconcile, and agree to meet after school and her horror movie audition. I can't wait.

Annie's audition is completely dull, so hopefully, Adrianna will do better. While practicing in the mirror, she starts to crack. She can't remember the lines, and is shaking. She then snorts some sort of pill, calms down, and repeats he favorite drug-induced line to the director- she is "ready to rock". I like where this is headed. Yes! Adrianna gets the part, and disses Naomi to celebrate. She snorts cocaine in the front seat of an SUV. She looks so happy. I'm proud of you.

Silver is having a half-birthday party at the cemetery because she loves horror movies, but her boyfriend does not. So she invites him over to her now-empty sister's house to watch some. He notices a wall partially painted black, and Silver explains that she decided to paint just that one wall black. Looks like there was an emergency, because the wall is 2% painted. Not to mention, this isn't her house. Dixon falls asleep, disregarding Silver's bonding attempts. He blurts out jibberish after being woken up. No one does this. I see it all the time on TV, though. When he arrives home late, Annie's crying fake baby is creating panic. She can't find her. Oh, there she is underneath a pile of clothes in the bathroom. Dixon then, get this, CUPS the side of the mouth to yell "nice parenting" to Annie. The cupping of the mouth is totally unnecessary, as they are inside and 3 feet apart. Which wins this scene tonight's "scene that was written by a rhesus monkey" award.

Back to Beverly, where Mr. Matthews has yet another inappropriate conversation with a student about dating, and Ethan disregards human life by tossing his fake baby down the hallway like a football. After some playful banter, Mr. Matthews gives the new student a detention. During lunch. Is that legal? Clearly high, Adrianna attempts to explain to Naomi why she stood her up last night. While doing so, Adrianna takes out a tube of lipstick, which Naomi recognizes as the same tube she used to stick cocaine in. You know, back when she, too, was an addict. Uh, oh-the police have arrived for a surprise and highly illegal drug sting at West Beverly. In a panic, Naomi grabs the drugs, very conspicuously sprints towards the bathroom, and a cop discovers her trying to flush the cocaine down the toilet. Naomi gets arrested in front of everyone, but Annie and most everyone else realizes who's drugs they really were.

As night falls, students gather at the graveyard for Silver's half birthday party. Despite being marginally popular, it is very well attended. Thousands gather amongst the graves of the disrespected. Including the principal, Mr. Matthews, and scores of fake babies from the school project. Is it appropriate for Mr. Matthews to attend a student's party? Of course it isn't.

I guess city officials in Beverly Hills don't mind approving a large party at a graveyard, not to mention the family members of the deceased buried there. I know when I die, I won't mind having scores of high school druggies urinating on my grave. We do learn that the "new" student that was flirting with Mr. Matthews is actually an undercover cop, responsible for the surprise drug bust earlier in the day. Juicy!

Meanwhile, Adrianna appears at Naomi's house to thank her for taking the fall. Naomi pleads with her to come clean, and eventually, Adrianna agrees to show up at the lawyer meeting to tell them the truth. Just please don't go to rehab already-your drug abuse was just starting to get good. First, though, she has to tell her Mom. When Adrianna arrives home, her despicable mother thanks her for getting the horror movie gig, because it saved the house, adding a tremendous amount of pressure to my poor little Adrianna's life. Things don't look good for our heroine.

She again disregards her promise to Naomi, and leaves her to fend for herself at the lawyer meeting. Looks like Naomi will not be able to attend college or get a job, and may have to go to jail. Too bad. She didn't have to take the drugs from Adrianna, that was her choice. And it's certainly not Adrianna's fault that Naomi drew attention to herself by violently running away from the police. She'll have time to think about those poor choices while rotting in prison. Adrianna is the victim here, and has a bright future in teen horror movies. Naomi deserves to take the fall.

After the meeting Naomi calls Adrianna to berate her for lying again. There is no answer. Oh, nooooooooooooo! Adrianna has overdosed, and is lying lifeless on the floor as paramedics attempt to revive her. What a tragic ending to this week's episode. I am stunned. Will she live? Am I going to cry? Until next week...

Boo-Hoo

Yesterday I read an article on cnnsi.com by some guy named Staples. In it, he claims that a Tennessee Volunteer recruit backed away from his commitment because while visiting Neyland Stadium, the fans booed. They booed because the Vols were getting destroyed on the field, and have had a few frustrating seasons in a row. And according to this Staples guy, he was so taken aback that he decided to play somewhere else. Later in the same article, the author admits that this recruit overwhelmingly denies the booing had anything to do with his decision. OK, Mr. Staples, why is this kid's word not good enough for you? No person would EVER change their mind based on some boos. If a kid can't take some booing, he should be playing field hockey instead. So not only was this article totally overblown nonsense to begin with, the author decided to ignore the facts in order to support his theory.

The best part of the article is where Mr. Staples offers alternatives to booing that he finds much more reasonable in order to protect the fragile recruit's ego. He suggests that instead of booing, fans should just stay away. Empty seats supposedly would be easier on their little minds and hearts. Absolutely not. If I was a college recruit and I saw waves of empty seats, I would immediately want to play somewhere else. At least with booing, people care. Once the boos stop, and empty seats abound, real problems begin. I stopped booing at State games 2 years ago, at about the same time I realized NC State was never going to be what I wanted them to be. My expectations went kaput, my hopes died, and my boos turned into me not going to as many games. I guarantee recruits would rather see a full Carter-Finley with scattered boos, then scores of empty seats and shattered dreams.

Every few weeks, the issue of booing comes up, and it enrages me. Booing has been and always will be a part of sports. The fans that actually care and want to see progress will boo. The guy who goes to one game a season and can't name more than 1 player on the team is the one who gets upset when people boo. This is the guy who claps when State scores a touchdown to close their deficit to 54-10. Congratulations on scoring-we still lost.

Booing=Caring. Maybe if more athletics directors, coaches, and writers could grasp that simple equation, they would make positive changes instead of crying about people booing in the stands. Because silence is deafening.

90210-Episode 5 Summary

Catwalk of Broken Dreams

This week opens during the Adrianna witch hunt. She and her mother are cornered in the principal's office while Dad, Kelly Taylor, Brenda Walsh, and Mr. Matthews (Why?) interrogate her on her drug use. She claims it was only cough medicine, while also belittling Brenda by saying she hopes she isn't like her when she grows up. Well played.

In the meantime, Annie is a superstar. Everyone claps for her in the hallway, and some claim it's the greatest acting performance they've ever seen. If I was even in a play in high school, those claps would have been replaced with hard punches to my skull, and everyone would have avoided me as if I had the ebola virus. These are different times indeed.

While prepping for the Pacific Coast Fashion Show, Mom's boss declares that his #2 photographer is out. What a tragic loss. Photography is so difficult. Oooh, you have to get the angles right. And proper lighting is a must. No. Anyone that can physically hold a camera can do the same job as a professional. Mom will do just fine, thank you. And of, course, she shoots perfect proofs, so looks like she's hired.

Creepy friend inexplicably starts complaining when Dixon and Silver make out on a bench. Then threatens Dixon violently. Why is anyone friends with this guy?

Mr. Matthews walks into the school with Brenda and Kelly. He is walking awkwardly with his hand in his pocket. Then Dylan calls Brenda, presumably while hunting for orphans to save in Wyoming, and Mr. Matthews starts asking inappropriate questions. There is so much I hate about him that I could devote a whole blog to it. Thankfully, my hatred of him is perfectly balanced by my undying love for Adrianna. Let's move on.

We can't. After the commercial break, we witness Mr. Matthews' class in session. Adrianna raises her hand to ask a question about the assignment, and he embarrasses her by saying "no, Adrianna. It can't be about you". And the class laughs. Why is this allowed? Teachers are supposed to be helpful, and are not there to belittle their students. I'm calling West Beverly first thing in the morning to report this. It's OK, Adrianna. Those pills will help you forget. 

By the way, the assignment is a 5 page paper researching any career that interests you. What subject is this? Mr. Matthews then forces Adrianna to work with Annie at the big Pacific Coast Fashion Show.

After forcing this unlikely duo to work together, Mr. Matthews sets his sights on creeping Kelly Taylor out again. He probes her about Dylan, tells her he will wait for her (again, they have been out once), and thankfully gets rejected.

Time for the fashion show! Everyone is there, including a "producer" of teen horror flicks that invites Annie to audition. Annie accepts, and also gets Adrianna an audition. Good for her.

Oh, my. Dylan and Kelly's son, Sammie has grown. He is 5 feet, 9 inches tall. Weighs 195 pounds, and has the hair of Gene Wilder. He is 5 years old.

Back to the fashion show- the following is actual dialog between Creepy friend and random hot models: Models- "Naveeb? You're Persian"? Creep- "uh, yep" Models- "...and cute. C'mon, let's go meet some friends". OK.

Attempting to make amends for last week's sex ruse, Adrianna apologizes to Annie. Unfortunately, Annie freaks out, and angrily runs off. Right into Mr. Matthews and Brenda, of course. She libels Adrianna further by claiming that she's "probably doing drugs". Adrianna walks up behind Annie and shoves her while saying "You little bitch". Awesome. I love you, Adrianna.

Now comes the best 90210 scene yet. One of the fashion show's producers, while attempting to coerce Silver into becoming a model, touches her hair. Dixon grabs him from behind, and tosses him aside. Producer then says "who is this thug"? Mom steps in to defend him, but when called a "Compton Kid", Dixon rears back and punches him in the face. That'll show him.

As we move toward next week, we learn Kelly Taylor is headed to Wyoming to see where Dylan takes her. I know-Heartbreak Lane.

And finally, Adrianna is seen getting into a truck with a stranger. A stranger with drugs. Me likey. Me likey a lot.

Warriors of Achievement-Harrison Beck

While I was hiding under the bleachers like a coward from the rain on Saturday night, there was a historic display going on down on the field below. What Harrison Beck accomplished that night was nothing short of heroic. We will never see anything like it again in our lifetime, and although I didn't see most of it from underneath the wet metal above me, I am proud to say I was there.

Beck's numbers only tell part of the story: 9-32 with 3 interceptions. The rest of the story is this: he is totally inept.

The 28% completion percentage is shocking enough, but the 3 interceptions on top of that are like icing on the cake of despair. Giving him the benefit of the doubt in assuming he thinks anyone on the field is a viable target, adding his interceptions to his completion total still yields a meager 38% completion percentage. Oh, he also rushed for -24 yards. He failed in every phase of the game.

I assumed his 3-8 for 47 yard, 1 interception performance against East Carolina was merely a mirage, but the numbers don't lie. I never thought I would say this, but Russell Wilson, please get well soon. We need you. We need your 39% completion percentage and your winning smile.

We need your ability to throw less than or equal to 2 interceptions per game. Only you can take State to the promised land of a 3-9 season.

So, thank you Harrison Beck. Thank you for taking me to places I've never been, and for showing me things I never thought possible. You are like my spiritual guide to the Land of Horrenditude.

Andy Bernard-A Character Study

Tonight marks the return of The Office, so I thought I would take a deeper look into one of the show's most underrated characters. This character is personally responsible for making me laugh more than anyone else on the show. I present to you, Andy Bernard....

Andy Bernard began life at Dunder Mifflin Stamford Branch, harassing Jim with his incessant singing, and dubbing him "Big Tuna".

After Stamford closed, he transferred with a couple of branch mates to Scranton, and the hilarity soon followed. Andy's juvenile antics make me both cringe and laugh at the same time. As his fellow transferees left one by one, Andy powered on. He is now, aside from Jim, the only Stamford holdout left. And he has added a great deal.

He graduated from Cornell, which he often uses to belittle and intimidate both friends and clients. His high falsetto singing voice can often be heard in both the office and his car. He enjoys frisbee golf (which he calls frolf), sucking up to the boss, dating high school students, and drinking at Benihana. His favorite drink is the Nog-a-sake, but as he says, "some places won't serve it because egg nog is seasonal".

However, he also has a hilarious dark side. After punching a wall in frustration over Jim and Pam's cell phone prank, he was forced to attend a 10 week anger management course. Thankfully, he "graduated" in 5 weeks due to his use of the "name repetition" and "personality mirroring" techniques he also used to gain Michael's favor.

He also coined the phrase "Schruted it" to describe any situation where someone messes up, to further belittle Dwight and move up the corporate ladder.

During the "Fun Run" episode, Andy Bernard really hit the mark. He placed bandages on his nipples to prevent chafing (didn't work), and ran directly behind Kevin to take advantage of drafting.

The hardest I've ever laughed, however, occurs twice in the episode where the construction crews take over the building's parking spaces. At the beginning of the meeting he called with Kevin, he addresses the building's other bosses by saying nervously "Andy Bernard....is the name of me". I found this hilarious for some reason. Also, later, while talking about his triumph in gaining the spaces back, his diatribe includes "I didn't do this for me. I did it for the little guy. Joe Six Pack. I did this for the guy who wakes up every morning wondering how he's going to pay his kid's orphanage bills". Great stuff.

Unaware of Angela's relationship with Dwight, Andy begins to woo her. He does this by first stealing "something made of ice" for a party planned by Angela, then finding a cat for her outside of the building. He also moonwalks past her desk several times to gain her attention. He tops this all off by proposing to her during Toby's farewell party. She says "OK", but is seen later hooking up with Dwight in the office.

Poor guy. Sounds like another bout of rage is on Andy's horizon.
Let's hope so, but I hope he doesn't get sent away again for it. The Scranton branch needs him. Dwight needs his comic foil. Big Tuna needs to be annoyed by him. We all need more Andy Bernard. I will leave you with another quote said by Andy to Michael. It sums him up perfectly:
"I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk! Waitresses - hot! Football, Cornell-Hofstra, slaughter! Then quick nap at my place, then we hit the tizzown".

90210-Episode 4 Summary

Orphans, Drugs, and Rock and Roll

Previously on 90210....We are shown the opening scene of the series for the 4th time. Palm trees. More palm trees. Why are we shown this every week? Anyway, we begin this week during more play rehearsals. Things are steaming up between Annie and Ty on stage. Looks like Annie is not only the lead of the chorus, she is also Adrianna's understudy. It appears our Adrianna has a drug problem. We last saw her in episode one, accepting a hollowed out book filled with colorful pills, which led to her life of crime. She is back, sort of.

After rehearsal, Annie and Ty start to make out backstage. Several hours later, Dad, Go Away Already, and Kelly Taylor randomly walk onto the stage, and discover them still making out. Somebody call Guinness, this has to have broken the record. This, of course disgusts Dad, so when Annie arrives home, Mom attempts to have a sex talk with her. Annie doesn't listen.

Adrianna, who is now my favorite human, stumbles onto the scene. Brenda Walsh tells her she is late, and wonders if everything is OK. Adrianna then rambles loudly about how much pressure she feels with all of her auditions and what-not. Her drug-addled eyes break my heart while her emotional solo performance on stage crushes my soul. In the meantime, we learn that Dixon is also an expert stage lighting guy, so he takes over after the lighting guy quits. Is there anything Dixon can't do? Act?

Brenda Walsh then calls a meeting with Kelly Taylor and Go Away Already. They are there to discuss Adrianna. They see her talent, yet fear she may be on drugs. Inexplicably, Brenda gets defensive when Kelly suggests they remove her from the play, even saying, "I don't need anyone's help with this". OK. Why did you call the meeting then? Thanks for wasting everyone's time.

Annie arrives at the play late because Dad is still bugging her about Ty. This is getting creepy.

Then comes the best scene of the season: Adrianna is totally wasted backstage, giggling uncontrollably, and saying she is "ready to rock". Unfortunately, Brenda ruins everything by kicking her out of the play, so Annie has to take over. C'mon, Brenda. She was ready to rock.

The play begins, and it is SPECTACULAR. I only wish they would have shown the whole play. I would buy the DVD. We are shown a few singing scenes, including an atrocious all-male dance number involving benches and orphan hats. Oddly, we are not shown the scene that they spent each of the last 3 episodes rehearsing. I hope they nailed it. Apparently, musicals about orphans having sex in the 1860's are quite popular in modern day Beverly Hills-the theater is packed.

Adrianna reappears at the back of the theater. My heart was racing in hopes she would stumble down onto the stage and ruin everything. If this had happened, my life would have been complete. Alas, it did not.

The musical ends, and the cast receives a well-deserved standing ovation. Annie is so overwhelmed with praise, she decides to have sex with Ty in real life. Dixon gives her the expired condom from his wallet, which she proceeds to drop when she inexplicably smashes into Ethan in the hallway. Awkward!!

Unfortunately, Adrianna has concocted a revenge scheme. She arrives at Ty's hotel room and tells him that Annie and Ethan were making out. When Annie arrives, Adrianna is wrapped in a towel with the shower on in the background. All signs point to her and Ty having sex, yet when Annie leaves, devastated, it is revealed that Ty is already gone. This was a very well thought out and devious plan by our girl Adrianna. Bravo, my drug addicted love. Bravo.

Will Annie recover from her broken heart? Will Ty discover Adrianna's lies? Will West Beverly stage another play about orphan life in the 19th century? Find out next week.