Duke vs. NC State: Swapping Personalities

This Saturday, Duke and NC State will meet on the gridiron. Big deal, right? Well, due to the split of the ACC into divisions, and a scheduling quirk, these former rivals have not played football since 2003. Five long years have passed, and many things have changed. Let's take a trip back in time, shall we?

The world was a different place in 2003. Gulf War II began in March. Martha Stewart was sent to prison that June. And the largest hailstone ever recorded was found in Nebraska. America was both tense and whimsical at the same time.

Duke football was never worse entering the 2003 season. The previous 3 seasons brought records of 0-11, 0-11, and 2-10. Although improved in 2003, with a final record of 4-8, Duke was the laughingstock of college football.

NC State, however, had reached their pinnacle the prior season with an 11-3 record, including a victory over an albeit weak Notre Dame in the Gator Bowl. Chuck Amato strutted around as the King of Raleigh. Wolfpack Nation started to dream of BCS bowls. Winning ACC championships seemed mere footsteps away.

Liitle did they know when they met at Wallace Wade in late October 2003, that not only would they not meet again for 5 years, but their programs were about to switch identities. NC State walked away with a 7 point victory that day, but emerged as the new face of embarrassingly bad college football programs. After that game, State would go on to lose 2 of their last 4 games in 2003. And despite middling around the 7-5/6-6 mark for a couple of years, they hit rock-bottom with a 3-9 record in 2006.

So, they meet again tommorrow afternoon in Durham. Duke is having their best season in many, many years. NC State is horrendous. Duke is on the upswing. Once considered an automatic conference win for anyone who played them, Duke is now respectable. NC State fans complained up and down that it would be too long until they played again. In fact, there was talk of scheduling a "non-conference" game with Duke just to keep the rivalry going. Although truthfully, "rivalry" really meant "extra win". Times have certainly changed. Now NC State is America's laughingstock, and Duke is the up-and-coming stalwart. And no one would have predicted that in 2003.

90210-Episode 8 Summary

1 Shot of Happy, 2 Shots of Suck

Principal Dad gets us started this week by revealing to Annie and Dixon that he has another son via a long ago fling with Naomi's Mom.

Annie and Dixon seem stunned, and discuss the issue further in the West Beverly parking lot. They express their disappointment in their father's hypocrisy. He is a hypocrite, they determine, because while telling Annie and Dixon they could not have sex, Dad was doing that exact thing himself in high school. These idiots fail to mention that they have attempted to have sex several times, so they disregarded their father's advice anyway. Who's the hypocrite now, Annie?

Looks like Adrianna is out of rehab. Must be a great facility, as she spent 5 days there, including the time she left to attend the homecoming dance. She is totally clean. Unfortunately, Buzzkill Navid is on the scene. He gives her a bag of jellybeans. She expresses an intense love for the buttered popcorn ones, to which Buzzkill exclaims, "ewwww". Those are my favorite jellybeans, too, Adrianna. We should talk.

This is followed by the single worst attempt at acting in history. Annie has made plans to see Naomi's ex after school, but then Naomi approaches her to ask what she's doing. Instead of acting cool, she awfully stutters and stammers to avoid the question. You have to see this scene to believe it. It is that terrible. Naomi doesn't seem suspicious somehow, but any normal human with an IQ above 13 would immediately know something was up based on Annie's acting. Dear 90210 producers, please recast this role. Thank you.

Buzzkill Navid is back with another bag of jellybeans for Adrianna. He has sorted out the beans, giving Adrianna only the popcorn ones. What a loser. Don't fall into his trap. You are all I have on this show. He then stalks her by waiting for her at her meeting. He then claims that she "owes him", so she agrees to go with him to eat.

Silver is having a party with her new best friends, Annie and Naomi. She hated Naomi until last week, but now they are having shots together. These three continue to take shots, and quickly become drunk. Adrianna then appears, but since she is in recovery, can only drink water as they play "I Never". It is revealed during this game that Adrianna has never been in love. Awww.

Unfortunately, no one says "I've never been an awful actress". Annie would have died from alcohol poisoning. The party quickly becomes interesting, as it is crashed by the whole school.

Even Buzzkill Navid is in the house. He creepily emerges from upstairs, and basically demands that Adrianna have sex with him. Inexplicably, she agrees, and walks upstairs with him. Being sober has apparently destroyed her judgement.  While watching a documentary on the loggerhead turtle(???), they start to make out. Navid declines sex, however, as he feels used or something. That was a close call. Glad to know I can add "moron" to creep, buzzkill, and loser on his list of descriptors. 

Mr. Matthews shows up to give his narc girlfriend a ride home. He can't resist making out with her in the driveway, so long lost student/lacrosse player George catches them in the act. 

Principal Dad also arrives, opens the door, demands everyone leave the party, and they comply. I have to say, Beverly Hills gives their high school principal a lot of authority. He is allowed to dole out plea bargains, host illegal drug raids, and trespass to break up whatever party he wants. He has more power than the police chief and the FBI. Interesting to note.

While in detention, George begins to blackmail Mr. Matthews. He demands to be put back onto the lacrosse team, and wants an A in the class. After getting notified, Principal Dad then suspends Mr. Matthews. Finally. He has acted inappropriately dozens of times, and for once, he has to pay for it. This was the best news I've heard in several years. Thank you, Principal Dad. Thank you. Unfortunately, this is followed by the worst news I've heard in a decade-Adrianna has inexplicably fallen for Buzzkill. Not in a million years would this happen in real life, but anything goes here at West Beverly. Next week brings the return of Kelly Taylor with news that Dylan McKay's facial features have remained the same. Excellent news there.

Letters to the Editor

One of my favorite pastimes is making myself angry. I can accomplish this in many ways, but my rage-inducer of choice is reading letters to the editor. Morons across America take their time writing meaningless questions or sending their worthless opinions to newspapers and magazines. I am giving these people the benefit of the doubt in assuming they no longer actually physically send these letters through regular mail. If someone out there still does, WOW. You instantly move to the top of the "uneducated loners with lots of free time" pyramid. Congratulations, Walt Whitman. Now climb back onto your pony and leave us 21st century folk alone.

A typical letter to the sports page of the News and Observer here in Raleigh reads, "Dear editor, I am tired of your constant coverage of Wolfpack athletics. My team (ECU, Duke, UNC) played a great game over the weekend, yet you covered NC State's game on the front page. And they lost. Please stop your pro-State bias, and give the more worthy teams in the area more coverage", signed Edward McIdiot. Thanks for the letter, Mr. McIdiot. You do realize, however, that the News and Observer is a Raleigh newspaper, and NC State is in Raleigh, right? If you want to read about UNC, why not pick up the Chapel Hill News? There would be a catastrophic uprising if the Chapel Hill News actually covered State athletics, so why do you expect NC State's home city to ignore them to cover every school within a hundred miles? This type of letter drives me insane. Anyone who actually thinks Raleigh's paper should spend more time on Duke, Appy State, UNC, and ECU than on NC State should be imprisoned for life without parole. Each of these colleges is in a city with their own newspaper. READ THAT ONE, and leave me alone.

There was a recent letter which stated, "I have been a News and Observer subscriber for 35 years, and I have NEVER been more ashamed. The picture on the front of the sports page of Russell Wilson getting sacked, which led to his concussion, was low-brow. This is not an image I want my children to see, not to mention, the young QB himself. You should be embarrassed for publishing that, and I will now cancel my subscription". Great, sir-go ahead. I'm sure they really care about you. What was so offensive about that picture? You've watched football before, right? Would you have preferred a crisp action photo of you and your buddies playing shuffleboard at the nursing home?

The second type of letter to the editor which fills my rage meter can often be found in Parade magazine. Every week, Americans continue to astound me with their questions about washed up actors and actresses. "Dear Parade, my husband and I disagreed on what Sophia Lauren has been up to in the past 10 years. Please clear this up for us". Ummm, hey-have you heard of the internet? In the time it took you to write this letter, mail it, and have Parade publish it, you and your husband could have found your answer on wikipedia within seconds, then wrote and published a 600 page biography of Sophia Lauren. I hope you were still alive when Parade got around to publishing your answer. Every single one of the questions posed to Parade can be answered in 3 seconds via the internet, yet people still send these letters. Why?

90210-Episode 7 Summary

The Taming of the Shrew

After an inexplicable 3 weeks of reruns, we are back with a new episode.

We were left with the disturbing image of my love, Adrianna, on the floor after a drug overdose. Let's hope everything is OK...

The episode begins at yet another Wilson family breakfast. Annie is taking her driver's test, and Dixon is verbally testing her. These two have to be among the worst actors in the business. I do not believe for a millisecond that this is an actual family, and Annie in particular, is shocking in her ineptness.

The homecoming dance is this weekend, and although Dixon proclaims that he has yet to ask Silver, he immediately makes fun of Annie when she hasn't been asked. Why? You haven't asked your girlfriend, either. Annie and Ethan immediately make a weird pact at school-they will not go together, but will dance. All to protect Annie's newest best friend, Naomi. This also makes no sense, because Annie has known Ethan forever, and hated Naomi up until 4 minutes ago, so why do they care? I am boring myself. Let's move on.

Hi, Adrianna. How are you? Checking into rehab? Don't do it-it's dangerous in there, and you won't have access to your pills. A tame and sober you isn't what I wanted. If you care about me, you will walk away now. Nope, apparently she doesn't care, as she walks into the enormous and empty rehab mansion.

Navid then walks in to creep Adrianna out. Please go away. No one likes you. He is there to write a story for the paper, and thankfully, Adrianna isn't having it. She borrows his cell phone to make a call, then tells him to get lost. Nice.

Naomi continues to ignore her attempts to reconcile, which drives Adrianna deeper into despair.  Oh, look who's back-Navid. He brings her DVD's, lotion, and some other useless crap. She disregards the gifts, and begs him to bring Naomi. What's with everyone's sudden obsession with Naomi? Essentially ignored by everyone, including her own family, for the first 6 weeks, she is now #1 on everyone's best friend list. Plot line # 12 that makes no sense. Why am I watching this show again? 

Here's why-after Navid fails to bring Naomi to Adrianna, she breaks out of rehab, and shows up at the homecoming dance to beg for forgiveness. Naomi rejects her, which forces Adrianna to walk out to the parking lot, where she meets up with her source of drugs. I'm giddy with anticipation-just get in his SUV. He has what you need. The pills will forgive you, Adrianna. I won't judge you. Nooooo. Go away, Navid. Navid kills everyone's buzz by yanking Adrianna right out of the car. Thankfully, the dealer punches him in the face, but the damage is done. After boring her silly with stories from the past, she relents, and stays sober. Booooooo.

Everyone else in the cast makes out with someone, and the episode ends.

Adrianna, I love you, but unless you start using again, I'm afraid my relationship with you and with 90210 may come to an end. The taming of you must cease immediately. The other actors are terrible, 86% of the plot lines bore me to tears, and I'm 36 years old watching a show about high school. Something's got to give....

Midnight Madness

The University of North Carolina officially opens it's 2008-2009 college basketball season this Friday night with it's annual "Midnight Madness" event. This is the first legal day to hold a practice with coaches, and it's a jolly event for all. Lots of dunks, lots of laughs, and lots of smug fakeness from Coach Roy Williams. What was that? You vaguely recall Carolina practicing during exams in the spring?

That's correct. UNC held a full squad practice in front of the coaches last spring. This is TOTALLY against NCAA policy, and a blatant disregard for the rules. Coach Williams even admitted he "knew he wasn't supposed to be there". In fact, this game broke two rules. First, coaches are not allowed to watch pickup games or practices during the off season. Secondly, Division I basketball teams are also prohibited from athletically related off season activities through final exams. This practice game was held so that Barack Obama could play some ball with college kids in front of the national media. Good for him. Bad for us, because Carolina was not given any sanctions, or placed on probation.

Their reason- "this was a unique situation and not an NCAA issue". Uh, why? Please explain further. Great-they got to play with a presidential candidate. So what? Why was this not an issue? And why was this swept under the rug?

In 1973, it was a HUGE issue when new NC State basketball recruit David Thompson played in some pickup games with teammates before the start of the season. An assistant coach watched a couple of these, and the rest is history. Because of this and other minor "infractions", NC State was placed on a year's probation. Big deal, right? Well, NC State went 27-0 that season, and was prevented from playing in the NCAA tournament. They would go on to win the NCAA championship the following year, but the damage was done. A championship was lost.

North Carolina is an overwhelming favorite to win the NCAA Championship this season, and lucky for them, the NCAA decided to overlook their major violations. I am glad we have a system in place that rewards certain teams with free presidential practices, and severely punishes other teams for the same "crime". When Barack Obama takes office in January, and UNC cuts down the nets in April, their paths will meet again at the White House ceremony. A privilege NC State was denied back in 1973. Perhaps instead of having harmless practices with teammates, they should have invited Richard Nixon to join them. Because according to the NCAA, illegal practices with politicians are "not an issue".

The Ragedratic Equation

Florida State x ESPN + Chuck Amato - Atrocious QBs(3) = Evening of Rage

Last night's NC State-Florida State game was maddening enough, but with ESPN's need to constantly hype an upcoming game (did you know Texas was playing Mizzou this weekend?) and with the traitor Chuck Amato in the house, I was scrambling for my sanity.

Let me start, however, with NC State's QB depth chart. If you took the top 3 QB's from every FBS school in the country, and lined them up from best to worst, Russell Wilson would come in at # 397, Harrison Beck # 411, and Daniel Evans # 418. I actually read a game preview yesterday for last night's game that stated "Russell Wilson is a real weapon for the NC State offense, averaging 108 passing yards per game". Uh, that is ATROCIOUS. Who wrote that statement, a 4 year old Labrador Retriever? People will say, "hey, he really didn't have a bad game last night". For him, you are correct. But the unnecessary sack he took at the end may have cost them the game. He threw 1 decent pass all night. Not good enough. Unfortunately, NC State has to use him, because their backups could easily be replaced with scarecrows, and no one would know the difference. In fact, I am 80% certain Daniel Evans is a zombie, and 50% sure that Harrison Beck has warm banana pudding in his skull where a brain should be.

Despite this lack of talent, NC State played quite well. They had the lead early in the 4th quarter, and were down by only 6 with the ball when ESPN decided to totally ignore the game to have an interview with Mack Brown. As this conversation went on, State's critical drive was of secondary importance to ESPN, as they just HAD to ask Mack Brown important questions, such as "how are you preparing for Mizzou". Um, no one cares. Not to mention, these coaches will not give out any valid info, so what's the point? The announcers did not mention anything about what was going on down on the field during this generic conversation. Nothing. In fact, I thought they were just going to stop showing the game altogether so they could keep the Mizzou-Texas game graphics on the screen. This is totally unacceptable. The game was close, State's drive was critical, and it was late in the 4th quarter. Was there not a better time to have this interview? It was hard for me to hate Mack Brown more than I already did, but congratulations, ESPN, you made it happen! And while we're here, does ESPN have millions of dollars invested in Frank Caliendo's career? He was on Mike+Mike earlier in the week, while the co-hosts fake laughed throughout his whole routine, and then the following day, Mike Greeny talked about how great and funny Frank was on the show. What was once impossible has come true-I now hate Frank Caliendo more than Robin Williams. ESPN-where your fantasies of rage come true.

Chuck Amato-it was nice to see you. No it wasn't. Stop claiming you built everything at Carter-Finley. It was going to happen with or without you. Even if you had some pull in getting facilities built earlier than they normally would have, you also played a major role in tearing down the trust of fans. Thousands of young Wolfpack fans trusted you and your overblown dreams of glory. You left them empty and bitter. So congrats on your team's win last night Chuck, it was just like old times-you leave Carter-Finley with 56,000 crushed souls in your wake.

Halloween-Night of the Living Amateurs

Halloween used to be among my favorite holidays. Now it is my most hated. Why you ask? Because of what it has become- a fertile ground for America's least original and least funny to take their comedy stylings to the streets and bars across the land.

Originally a holiday marking the line between the living and the dead has dissolved into a festival of guys dressing like girls and hundreds of hilarious George W. Bush impersonators.

Hey, D*ck in the Box guy- did you actually think you would be the only person that thought of that? What went through your mind when you went to the bar and saw 23 other people dressed like you? Did you then realize how lame, unfunny, and unoriginal you were? I hope so.

Look at me-I'm a guy, but I'm dressed like a girl, because it's Halloween. Isn't that hilarious? No. No it isn't. You look ridiculous. I'm glad there is one day a year for you to fulfill your cross-dressing fantasy. Good for you.

While you are spending 3 hours getting ready to go out to the nightclub that is offering a $50 grand prize for "Best Costume", take a few minutes to look at yourself in the mirror. This is what you should be hearing: "don't. don't do it. It's not worth it. You will not be the only Sarah Palin there. There will be at least 47 Sarah Palins. Some will be accompanied by John McCains. In a hilarious twist, some will be with Barack Obamas. You are not original. You are not funny. You are human waste. Why don't you dress as that"?

I can't wait for the onslaught of political candidates, wall street businessmen dressed like homeless people, and Jim and Pams from The Office. I won't be able to stop laughing, because you people are too funny. What are you expecting? Someone to come up to you and say "great costume. Steve Irwin impaled by a stingray-very topical". Is that worth the humiliation of knowing you are being mocked by people like me? Nope. And best case scenario is this: you actually have a brain, and come up with a truly original costume. Great. Four people will come up to you and say "wow. How funny. Good for you". Was that worth the 4 hours of preparation and the 6 hours of sweating like a hog while walking around in it? Of course not.

Zombies, ghosts, and skeletons, I salute you. The undead will always be preferable to me than the unoriginal.