Today's "Mayne" Complaint

"Mayne Street", starring Kenny Mayne debuts this week. Thankfully, I believe it is in the form of webisodes, so I will not accidently become exposed to it while flipping my TV to ESPN. For those of you unaware, Kenny Mayne is a sportscaster. A really, really unfunny one.

America thought this guy was hilarious during a series of commercials for ESPN a few years back, which ultimately led to this web series. America was wrong, but at least network executives could see right through this hack and not offer him a TV deal.

He also single-handedly ruined Sunday NFL Countdown with his awful, unfunny segments where he would clown around with NFL players. This was always followed by uproarious laughter from Chris Berman and the studio guys, making matters even worse.

My hatred of Kenny came to a head during this year's "Celebrity" softball game during MLB all-star week. I know what you're thinking, "hey Lob, why are you watching that horrible event"? If you remember, my hobby is making myself angry, and this game had it all- Billy Crystal, Whoopi Goldberg, Mike + Mike, and Kenny Mayne, among others. I could talk about how contrived and maddening this game was all day, but let's focus on Kenny. For starters, he was the manager of one of the teams, and walked around like he was Mr. Big Shot. Pardon me, Kenny-I'm not sure where your ego comes from, but you are not funny, no one thinks you're clever, and 80% of the people on your team have NO IDEA who you are. The fans in the stands did NOT come to see you, so take it down a notch.

He also refused to take himself out of the game. Everyone else only got to play an inning or two, but Mr. Mayne thought he was too important in this totally meaningless event to sit himself. Fans in the stadium only caught brief glimpses of actual stars like Chris Rock, so this clown could play the whole game. Also, he CONSTANTLY talked to his infielders while in the outfield. He screamed lame jokes towards Billy Crystal during play, because he was microphoned, and wanted to hear himself talk while pretending to be good friends with actual celebrities. The other players could not have cared less.

If you love America, Kenny, do us all a favor and go away. You are among the most annoying human beings on Earth. No one likes you. I wish being unappealing was a crime. You would spend the rest of your life behind bars and I could spend the rest of my life without you.

90210-Episode 9 Summary

Is That All You Got, Kansas?

Much like the state of Kansas itself, a particularly boring episode greets us this week. No booze, no drugs, nothing.

Adrianna continues her unforgivable romance with Navid, Naomi plots and executes a devious plan to out Ethan and Annie. And speaking of Annie, she again fails miserably at acting in a particularly bad scene. I am starting to warm up to Naomi. Maybe it wasn't such a stretch that the entire cast suddenly wanted to befriend her. I want to be her friend now, too. I especially appreciate her calling Annie "Kansas". Love it.

The one good thing from this episode is the apparent firing of Mr. Matthews. His suspension somehow turned permanent, and he's off to find himself. He should come to my house-I'll tell him who he is.

Yep, that's all I got this week, Kansas. If 90210 won't try, I won't, either.

Although next week brings the return of the once heavily-hyped lacrosse team. That should be a doozy.

Duke vs. NC State: Swapping Personalities

This Saturday, Duke and NC State will meet on the gridiron. Big deal, right? Well, due to the split of the ACC into divisions, and a scheduling quirk, these former rivals have not played football since 2003. Five long years have passed, and many things have changed. Let's take a trip back in time, shall we?

The world was a different place in 2003. Gulf War II began in March. Martha Stewart was sent to prison that June. And the largest hailstone ever recorded was found in Nebraska. America was both tense and whimsical at the same time.

Duke football was never worse entering the 2003 season. The previous 3 seasons brought records of 0-11, 0-11, and 2-10. Although improved in 2003, with a final record of 4-8, Duke was the laughingstock of college football.

NC State, however, had reached their pinnacle the prior season with an 11-3 record, including a victory over an albeit weak Notre Dame in the Gator Bowl. Chuck Amato strutted around as the King of Raleigh. Wolfpack Nation started to dream of BCS bowls. Winning ACC championships seemed mere footsteps away.

Liitle did they know when they met at Wallace Wade in late October 2003, that not only would they not meet again for 5 years, but their programs were about to switch identities. NC State walked away with a 7 point victory that day, but emerged as the new face of embarrassingly bad college football programs. After that game, State would go on to lose 2 of their last 4 games in 2003. And despite middling around the 7-5/6-6 mark for a couple of years, they hit rock-bottom with a 3-9 record in 2006.

So, they meet again tommorrow afternoon in Durham. Duke is having their best season in many, many years. NC State is horrendous. Duke is on the upswing. Once considered an automatic conference win for anyone who played them, Duke is now respectable. NC State fans complained up and down that it would be too long until they played again. In fact, there was talk of scheduling a "non-conference" game with Duke just to keep the rivalry going. Although truthfully, "rivalry" really meant "extra win". Times have certainly changed. Now NC State is America's laughingstock, and Duke is the up-and-coming stalwart. And no one would have predicted that in 2003.

90210-Episode 8 Summary

1 Shot of Happy, 2 Shots of Suck

Principal Dad gets us started this week by revealing to Annie and Dixon that he has another son via a long ago fling with Naomi's Mom.

Annie and Dixon seem stunned, and discuss the issue further in the West Beverly parking lot. They express their disappointment in their father's hypocrisy. He is a hypocrite, they determine, because while telling Annie and Dixon they could not have sex, Dad was doing that exact thing himself in high school. These idiots fail to mention that they have attempted to have sex several times, so they disregarded their father's advice anyway. Who's the hypocrite now, Annie?

Looks like Adrianna is out of rehab. Must be a great facility, as she spent 5 days there, including the time she left to attend the homecoming dance. She is totally clean. Unfortunately, Buzzkill Navid is on the scene. He gives her a bag of jellybeans. She expresses an intense love for the buttered popcorn ones, to which Buzzkill exclaims, "ewwww". Those are my favorite jellybeans, too, Adrianna. We should talk.

This is followed by the single worst attempt at acting in history. Annie has made plans to see Naomi's ex after school, but then Naomi approaches her to ask what she's doing. Instead of acting cool, she awfully stutters and stammers to avoid the question. You have to see this scene to believe it. It is that terrible. Naomi doesn't seem suspicious somehow, but any normal human with an IQ above 13 would immediately know something was up based on Annie's acting. Dear 90210 producers, please recast this role. Thank you.

Buzzkill Navid is back with another bag of jellybeans for Adrianna. He has sorted out the beans, giving Adrianna only the popcorn ones. What a loser. Don't fall into his trap. You are all I have on this show. He then stalks her by waiting for her at her meeting. He then claims that she "owes him", so she agrees to go with him to eat.

Silver is having a party with her new best friends, Annie and Naomi. She hated Naomi until last week, but now they are having shots together. These three continue to take shots, and quickly become drunk. Adrianna then appears, but since she is in recovery, can only drink water as they play "I Never". It is revealed during this game that Adrianna has never been in love. Awww.

Unfortunately, no one says "I've never been an awful actress". Annie would have died from alcohol poisoning. The party quickly becomes interesting, as it is crashed by the whole school.

Even Buzzkill Navid is in the house. He creepily emerges from upstairs, and basically demands that Adrianna have sex with him. Inexplicably, she agrees, and walks upstairs with him. Being sober has apparently destroyed her judgement.  While watching a documentary on the loggerhead turtle(???), they start to make out. Navid declines sex, however, as he feels used or something. That was a close call. Glad to know I can add "moron" to creep, buzzkill, and loser on his list of descriptors. 

Mr. Matthews shows up to give his narc girlfriend a ride home. He can't resist making out with her in the driveway, so long lost student/lacrosse player George catches them in the act. 

Principal Dad also arrives, opens the door, demands everyone leave the party, and they comply. I have to say, Beverly Hills gives their high school principal a lot of authority. He is allowed to dole out plea bargains, host illegal drug raids, and trespass to break up whatever party he wants. He has more power than the police chief and the FBI. Interesting to note.

While in detention, George begins to blackmail Mr. Matthews. He demands to be put back onto the lacrosse team, and wants an A in the class. After getting notified, Principal Dad then suspends Mr. Matthews. Finally. He has acted inappropriately dozens of times, and for once, he has to pay for it. This was the best news I've heard in several years. Thank you, Principal Dad. Thank you. Unfortunately, this is followed by the worst news I've heard in a decade-Adrianna has inexplicably fallen for Buzzkill. Not in a million years would this happen in real life, but anything goes here at West Beverly. Next week brings the return of Kelly Taylor with news that Dylan McKay's facial features have remained the same. Excellent news there.